gorillas

I should be asleep. I was quite tired but I decided to try on my gorilla outfit before going to bed. that got me thinking and now I am wide awake! I haven't written for a while - my writng seems to be having a dry spell! It is probably more to do with not giving myself enough time to just sit and let the creativity happen. Tonight, standing in front of the mirror in my gorilla suit (pictures soon) I started to feel a bit of that old creativity. It was hard to breathe, I won't be able to be a gorilla for very long, but it will be fun. What is it really all about?
It is about listening to my heart/soul/the bit that's created in the image of God. Last week I was asked to speak at a Conference later in the year. At first I thought I would do something about writing. Then into my head came the idea of exploring the way God's creativity can unfold in the classroom. Dressing up as a gorilla for my class is part of that. I want them to have fun but I also want to challenge them to think differently. I think I have lost a little of that creative approach to teaching over the last little while because it takes effort and vulnerability and time!
This year is about taking up the challenge to live dangerously - live the life God intended for me instead of the cautious one I so often adopt. I do know there's an extroverted Vicki who longs to do crazy things from time to time, but she is often put in her place by the organised, logical, duty bound Vicki. Well it's time to let go, be free! Let a bit of craziness supplement the rest.
I think God intended for us to be playful and sin has bound us up in so many ways. I know that, yet I still let myself be bound at times instead of living the life I can live because of the incomparably great power God gives us to live as He intended.
Well, it really is time to go to sleep, perhaps I'll dream of gorillas - the gentle playful ones like the one in the book I've been doing with Year 7/8. I'll go to sleep wondering what other creative ideas might be lurking around - there are usually plenty if I just take time to listen!

Challenges

As I walked along the road towards the school my heart was full of anticipation (and some fear). This was my first teaching post - a little school in an outer Sydney suburb, only a few classrooms and a large field for playing. For a year this is where I would work, where I would learn much about teaching, much about life, and even more about myself.

The Headmistress seemed ancient to me a fresh 21 year old straight from college. I soon discovered her methods of teaching had been left behind many years before by most. Her ways were certainly not the ways I wanted to teach. My plans were full of creativity, play, relationships. I had big visions for my little class of 7 year olds! It didn’t matter to me that only one child in the class had been born in Australia, it didn’t matter to me that only that boy and a small group of English migrant kids actually spoke English. It didn’t matter to me that I had no ESL training, no Special Ed training and had no idea why one child crawled along the tops on the classroom cupboards whenever he got the chance.

I’ve been thinking a lot about that year lately as I’ve been doing some writing about my life. It was a very important year for me as a teacher and some of the things I learnt then are still at the forefront of my teaching philosophy now.

Despite all her ‘interesting’ educational ideas, the Headmistress loved those kids who had come from many parts of the world (in my class alone there were children from England, Italy, Greece, Spain, Lebanon, Indonesia) and been thrown into this hodge-podge community. She knew their families, she understood their struggles.

Despite my lack of experience and halting steps as a first year out teacher, those kids accepted me, tried their hardest to understand what I was trying to teach them and smiled at me even when they had no idea what I was going on about(my lack not theirs).

(One of the funny things I learnt that year were lots of new swear words out on the playground. I had grown up in the ‘oh so proper’ Eastern Suburbs of Sydney. It brought many a strange look from my mother when I would go home and ask her what certain words meant!)

Why am I writing all this now, here in this blog?

I learnt a lot about teaching that year, but when I look back, it was also a year that brought many challenges and learning experiences for me as a person. My ideals, my beliefs , my way of looking at people who were different – these were pushed and shaped and re-shaped, challenged and questioned. My dreams were tested, my visions given more practical outworkings! It was in many ways a year of living dangerously.

I want to have fresh dreams and visions for this year. I want to learn and be challenged right where I am. I want to be open to God’s call and step out into the year full of anticipation (and some fear!).

Teaching

Yesterday I received a letter from an ex-student of mine. Today, while I was out shopping, I met an ex-student, who I hadn’t seen for a long time, and we talked for quite a while. Last week I had coffee with a couple of ex-students.

Several things come to mind as I think about this;

I am so blessed in the job I do – I learn so much, I receive so much joy, I gain so much wisdom and so many friendships from the students I teach.

It is only by giving a little of ourselves that we receive and I receive so much from the little I give. Last year at a Conference in Darwin I heard a woman talk about the importance of sharing ourselves with the young people we teach. I have learnt how true that is.

Sometimes it is hard to be vulnerable with students – to apologise, to say you got it wrong, to give a bit of yourself that seems to fall on deaf ears. Sometimes it is easy to want to pull back - to exercise power instead of humility, to teach them rather than learn with them.

It is easier to share with some students than with others. Then I remember that some students find it hard to get on with me too!!!

Over and over again my passion for writing has been re-ignited by students. They have challenged me, hounded me, expected much from me, and so often I have taken up my pen (or opened my computer) because I know I can’t expect them to write if I don’t! They are always so generous with their critiquing of my writing!

I am so blessed in the job I do!

As a new year begins I am reminded that there will be new students to get to know, new students to learn to love and appreciate. Sometimes I find that hard, I just want to stick to the ones I already know. Then I think about all the joy and learning and marking and worrying I will miss out on.

It has been good catching up with ex-students in the holidays. Each one of them spurs me on to keep going into this year of living dangerously.

I thought it would be realistic, with all the other projects I have in mind, to write a new post once a week. That seemed realistic. Yet, here I am again! It wasn't my plan, but as the bus headed down the hill, and I caught that first glimpse of the sea, the blog wrote itself - words pushing and shoving each other in my mind wanting to be arrnaged on a page.
It is always by the sea that my words are set free, and it was no different this morning. I am reminded that I need to free the words to come whenever they want, not constrained by my schedule.
This morning as the train was sitting near Macdonald Town waiting to arrive at Redfern I marvelled at the intricate track structures, of all the complexity and structure need for my simple journey. My personality hurrays the structure, clings to it, delights in it. However, I also know that beyond the structure is boundless creativity.
I had better actually share what was on my mind at the beach this morning.......

It's that first sight of the sea - even when I know exactly when and where that will be. It's the white toss of the waves, the sea sparkle, the whiff of salt. There's no time to think of yesterday's worries, of tomorrow's busyness. The sea calls attention to the joy of today.
I wrote a poem several years ago sitting in the same cafe I am having breakfast in this morning,

Bronte Beach December 2004

And I didn’t feel like crying

As the sand wedged between my toes

And the water crept up my pants

As the sun gently caressed my hair

And the wind played around my face

I looked to the ocean

The foam danced on the waves

Pounding into the rocks carved by millions of years

The swell, in line with my breathing, rose and fell

As the current swelled over and under the crashing waves.

Walking, thinking, dreaming

The world sparkling around me

I knew the ocean had caught the tears

And flung them away into the deep

And that same feeling is still here now - it's the seduction of the ocean.

Sitting, eating ricotta hotcakes, an almost empty latte beside me, I am reminded, also, of the danger of the ocean. It's beauty draws me constantly. I love its wildness, its refusal to comply with 'wave regulations'. I love its power. However, I am aware of its danger. So what does all thsi mean in my year of living dangerously? It's a good analogy really. Dangerous places can also be places of peace and safety.

I had been thinking this morning on the train that maybe this year was about having the courage to find the safe places and to trust them (or Him really, as my only really safe place is God).

Well that's as far as the thoughts went today!

Another Year

Last year I learnt a lot about the words 'thanks' and 'joy', so as I approached 2012 I thought I'd ask God to show me some new words that might challenge me through the coming year. The words that have come are 'living dangerously'. They weren't what I expected and over the last few days I have wondered what they might mean.
Having reached the age when many of my friends are retiring, I have instead felt that I am just taking hold of all life has to offer. I have felt on the threshold of new things. At first I thought this might mean a new job or place to live but I think it is more about where I am now and what I am presently doing.
In anticipating a year of 'living dangerously' my first move is to create a blog, allowing others to be on the journey with me. For me this is dangerous enough at present!
When these words came to me the other day, I was reminded of a poem I wrote late last year which seems relevant. I will sign off with the poem.

Today, the first day
of the rest
of life
Yesterday was
Tomorrow will be...

Today stands
full of grace
full of blessing
freely given
waiting to be had...

I stand on the threshold of
today
as light filters through the
dark of night
I watch it spread...

And am reminded of
God's grace
waiting to fill my life today
waiting for me to experience it
acknowledge it, catch it, so I can
pass it on to others...

I stand with toes on
the threshold of today
why hesitate to jump into this
day of grace
day of blessings...

Why hesitate to fling myself into the
arms of God, He
who would catch the pain
feel the heartache of today
and with grace and blessing
bring joy..

I somersault into today
letting go of self
falling into God.